If you’re a leader who feels like you’re carrying everyone and everything, here’s the truth: exhaustion isn’t proof of your effectiveness. It’s often proof that you’ve been living in a state of what researchers call emotional labor — and more specifically, the exhausting side of it known as surface acting.
And if you’ve been feeling stuck in that cycle, you’re not alone. Many of the professionals I work with — all of them talented, successful, and deeply responsible — tell me the same story:
- They’re admired for their dedication.
- They’re relied upon to keep the ship steady.
- And they’re quietly burning out from the invisible emotional work required just to hold it all together.
The good news? There’s another path. It’s not about fewer fake smiles or trying harder to “manage your emotions.” It’s about stepping into what I call emotional authorship — the core practice at the heart of The Emotional Leadership System™.
Let’s unpack why this distinction matters so much.
The Costs of Emotional Labor
Arlie Hochschild first coined the term emotional labor in her classic book The Managed Heart. She described it as the process of regulating or displaying emotions as part of your job. Since then, researchers like Alicia Grandey and Alicia Brotheridge have shown that not all emotional labor is equal.
- “Surface acting” = you put on the mask. You suppress how you really feel and fake the emotion you think the role requires. Think “smile through the frustration” or “stay calm when you’re boiling inside.” The cost of surface acting? Emotional exhaustion, burnout, and the distressing sense of being inauthentic.
- “Deep acting” = you try to genuinely experience the emotion you need to display, often through reframing or empathy. Research shows this approach is associated with more positive outcomes including increased job satisfaction, a sense of accomplishment, and improved team performance.
But here’s the key insight: neither “surface acting” nor “deep acting” address the deeper problem for leaders — because both are framed as “acting.” Both keep you chained to the display rules someone else has set. And for leaders who are already over-identified with being “the responsible one,” that frame only tightens the chains.
When Responsibility Becomes Identity
Through my years coaching leaders, I’ve noticed a powerful pattern: the leaders who struggle most aren’t irresponsible — they’re “too” responsible.
“I am responsible” becomes more than a belief. It becomes an identity. It becomes what is called a super-prior in the brain’s predictive model. The primary lens through which the self and identity are filtered. And whenever that identity is threatened or feels at risk? Anxiety spikes. The result is what I call the “Care–Control Loop”:
- Care turns into carrying.
- Carrying turns into control.
- Control leads to exhaustion.
- Exhaustion feels like proof… “See, I’m responsible.”
It’s a brilliant “anxiety-management system,” as Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey refer to in their book Immunity to Change. But it’s also a trap.
This is why surface acting is so destructive — it asks leaders to “perform” the act of responsibility on top of already carrying it. It doubles the burden being carried while reinforcing the very identity that keeps the Care-Control Loop alive.
Why Emotional Authorship Is Different
Here’s how emotional authorship changes the game.
Instead of acting, emotional authorship is about composing. It’s not faking, and it’s not forcing yourself to feel something that isn’t there. It’s recognizing that emotions are predictive, embodied states — and that we can author the tone we bring to a given situation, by expanding our identity and intentionally engaging both sides of the polarities we live in.
In practice, this means:
- Mapping polarities: Seeing how you’ve collapsed into Care-for-Others while neglecting Care-for-Self, or Control/Stability while neglecting Adaptability/Emergence.
- Surfacing hidden commitments: Using tools like the Immunity to Change model to understand why your self-identity clings so tightly to responsibility, and why loosening that grip feels unsafe.
- Noticing self-justifications: Catching the quiet narratives that run through your mind — “I need to be seen as dependable,” “At least I care more than others” — that reinforce the loop.
- Experimenting safely: Trying small, “safe-to-fail” shifts in emotional authorship that prove to your brain it’s possible to care without carrying, and to lead without controlling.
This is not about pretending or performing. It’s about reclaiming authorship over the emotional tone you cultivate — for yourself and for your team.
Emotional Leadership in Practice
I frequently share that “traditional leadership coaching is no longer the answer. What’s needed now is emotional leadership.”
Why? Because in a world of constant volatility and complexity, it’s not your technical skills that make or break you. It’s your ability to cultivate conditions where both you and your team can thrive.
And that’s what the Emotional Authorship System™ delivers:
- You feel less drained because you’re not faking or over-carrying.
- Your team steps up with more autonomy and accountability, because you’ve stopped over-controlling and now demonstrate greater trust.
- You discover new freedom in your identity — responsibility expands across multiple polarities, rather than locking you into one pole.
- Most importantly, you stop equating exhaustion with proof of leadership.
This is what I mean when I say: It’s not leadership coaching — it’s emotional leadership.
Why This Matters Now
Rose Hackman’s book Emotional Labor reminds us that women, in particular, bear the brunt of invisible emotional work in workplaces. They’re expected to provide the glue, smooth the edges, and absorb the emotional strain. And it’s rarely acknowledged as the leadership it actually is.
That’s why the shift from emotional labor to emotional authorship is so powerful — especially for many of the women leaders I work with. It reframes what they’ve been carrying, validates their experience, and then shows them a path out of the loop.
Because at the end of the day:
- Exhaustion isn’t proof of leadership.
- Emotional tone, not just strategy, is the currency of leadership.
- Freedom begins when you stop performing and start authoring.
Want to Go Deeper?
If any of this resonates with you — if you’ve felt the cost of surface acting, or if you’ve wondered why leadership feels so heavy — I invite you to subscribe to my newsletter.
Every Saturday, I share practical insights, stories, and reflections to help leaders break free from patterns that no longer serve them, reclaim their energy, and step into emotional authorship.
Because leadership shouldn’t cost you your health, your joy, or your self-identity.
Reference Sources:
- Hochschild, A. R. (1983/2012). The Managed Heart. University of California Press.
- Hackman, R. (2023). Emotional Labor. Flatiron Books.
- Grandey, A. A. (2003). When “the show must go on”: Surface Acting and Deep Acting. Academy of Management Journal.
- Brotheridge, C. M., & Grandey, A. A. (2002). Emotional Labor and Burnout. Journal of Vocational Behavior.
- Humphrey, R. H., et al. (2015). The bright side of emotional labor. Journal of Organizational Behavior.
- Crum, A. J., Salovey, P., & Achor, S. (2013). Rethinking Stress: The Role of Mindsets in Determining the Stress Response. JPSP.
- Reese, H. (2023). “What Is Emotional Labor, and Why Does It Matter?” Greater Good Science Center.
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